Race: You really think the flowering pteranadon shrub grows in these conditions?
Quest: Well, we have to try. Unless we can locate that plant, we will never be able to create the antidote to...
(Suddenly his video com beeps)
Quest: I'd better take this.
(He turns on the com and all gather around to stare into it. For a momet, no one says anything.)
Quest: That's unusual.
Race: What is it, Dr. Quest?
Quest: I don't know, Race, but it seems to be molesting my parapower ray gun. Oh well, I'll just alert the guards...
(Dr. Zin bursts suddenly out of the bushes. He holds in his hand a small remote control, with which he flies a small helicoptor. The helicoptor hooks the com and flies away. All look after it)
Zin: I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Quest: Curse you, Zin, and...
(A violent crashing starts up in the background, headed for them through the trees.)
Quest: Part of your plan, Zin?
Zin: Not mine.
Race: Then who...?
(Rachel Quest bursts out of the forest, bradishing a repeating sentimentality rifle. With her is Jessie, carrying a political correctness cannon. They take aim at Quest.)
Rachel: Join us, Benton.
Jessie: Join us.
Hadji: Who... What are they?
Rachel: We are the token females.
Rachel: Join us, as your colleagues have done already.
Jessie: Join usss...
(Enter Jade from the brush. She is contorted, caught between suave '60s Jade and helpless Golden Quest-era Jade)
Race: My god, Jade. What have they done to you?
Jade: Run... boys... before they get you too...
Race: I can't leave you like this.
Zin: Er... I could...
(He begins backing away)
Jade (with tears in her voice): Race
Jade: Race... do you... remember... that time I killed a leopard with a handgun?
Race: I remember.
Jade: That was... pretty awesome.
(She falls to the ground, does a little convulsive twitching, then morphs completely into worthless Jade. At the same time, Rachel opens fire on Jonny, who falls)
Remaining Quest trio: Jonny!
Zin: My god.
(Jonny sits up. He looks about dizzily, climbing to his feet. He spots his father)
Jonny: You... you killed Mom.
Quest: Excuse me?
Jonny: It's your fault she's dead! You should have just shot him!
(Points at Zin, who jumps back defensively)
Zin: I had nothing to do with this!
Quest: What are you talking about? She died at the hands of Russian agents! I wasn't even in the room!
Jonny: That was never canon!
Quest: We implied it. If we'd implied it any harder we'd be Scooby-blinking-doo.
(Jonny kicks him in the shin and runs to Rachel)
Jonny: Mom! Mom!
Quest: That's not your mother! I've never seen this woman before in my life!
Jonny: She is my mother! You just don't love her! Or me! You don't know how to love!
Hadji: Dr. Quest! That gun... it's loaded with ANGST!
(Rachel and Jessie aim their weapons at Quest)
Race: Dr. Quest, Hadji, run!
(He flings himself in front of the guns as Quest, Hadji, and Zin flee. Race, struck, falls to the ground beside Jade in a flaily pile of ineffectual. Meanwhile, the trio crashes through the brush)
Hadji: We're all gonna die we're all gonna die we're all gonna...
Quest: We won't.
(Hadji looks back, and a stray shot ricochets off the gem of his turban. The shot strikes Zin in the shoulder. He screams and stumbles)
(He tries to drag Zin along after, but already Zin is transforming into ancient psycho asthmatic Zin)
Zin: Help me... please help... I can't... must slaughter.... my own minions... no good reason...
(He grabs Hadji's arm)
Zin: Logic... Logic is fading...
(He is fully transformed into Golden Quest-era Zin, complete with lung problems. Dr. Quest grabs Hadji and begins hauling him along)
Hadji: Dr. Quest, no! We have to help him!
Quest: Forget him, he's lost.
(They run on, but suddenly a cannon blast explodes a few feet from Hadji. He shrieks)
Hadji: Something bit me!
Quest: No... no... No!
(He hauls Hadji up on his back and staggers on. A sentimentality bullet strikes him in the shoulder he falls)
Hadji: Dr. Quest! Dr. Quest, speak to me!
Hadji: Get up, Dr. Quest. You have to get up.
(He tries and fails)
Quest: We have to take the cyanide pills.
Hadji: No. No!... Wait. You have cyanide pills?
Quest: In case I ever fell into the hands of enemy agents.
Hadji: You did that, like, thirty different times.
Quest: That was then, this is now! It's the only way. If we don't do it now, it's space next, Hadji, understand? We'll have our own orbiting space station and I can't go like that. We have to end this now.
Hadji: But I want to live, Dr. Quest. I want to live.
Quest: You'll be conducting Roman sewer ghosts. You'll magic-gem them into attacking one villanous henchman, and then it'll never be mentioned again. Can you live like that? Can you?
Quest: Answer me!
Hadji: I... I... No.
(Quest takes out two pills. They each crush one between their teeth)
Quest: I'm sorry it had to end this way, Hadji.
Hadji: Me, too.
(After a moment, Hadji stops moving)
Quest: I guess I'll never know if there could have been a live action movie.
Quest: Thank god.
(He dies. After a moment Rachel and Jessie enter. Rachel kicks Quest's foot)
Rachel: Well, bummer. He's dead.
Jessie: Oh well. I got a better idea, anyway. Let's do a live action Scooby-Doo movie and make Mr. Messick cry.
Rachel: What an idea!
Jessie: We'll have to exchange our guns in for farting sound effects and bad CGI, but I think it's a solid trade.
Rachel: You're simply brilliant, m'dear.
Jessie: Why, thank you.
(They link arms)
Jessie: So what do you think of the name Mary Jane?
(exit both. Fin.)